Jan
3
i have a new girlfriend! pt. 3
so maybe it’s been a little while since i wrote this column but what can i say, i have been busy! things with my new girlfriend are going less than hot. don’t get me wrong, it’s not about the sex—that is ferocious!—it is mostly that i think we do not actually like each other very much. how can i tell, you ask? well, for example, we have been apart because of the holidays, and i have been a real mean-talking bastard about it (and she has been a tough-talking bitch). now think about it fellas, when you are away from your friends or your mom, you do not get mean about them do you. no, you just wait it out and be a patient gentleman and don’t get all rankled. but when my new girlfriend calls, i try to figure out ways to not answer the phone, which have accidentally included flipping it open and closing it like a sly fox, and i say “accidentally” because that actually makes my new phone connect, so she just hears a little snippet of sound from where i am, like me saying “oh jeez, women,” and then the phone cuts off—this has been a source of confusion and maybe one curse word, which i said after my christmas gins. anyway, i digress! but it is true that today she called and said something like, “maybe you should not call for a few weeks,” and i was all like whatever, because really, whatever! like fisherman always say: there are other fish in the sea. maybe i just have to put something “on the line”! in the meantime i’ll just “polish my rod”!
