June 2008
2 posts
May 2008
1 post
WHY I LEFT GUADALAJARA / SOMETHING YOU MIGHT FIND...
Tonight, Rafa suggested I try this method of bedtime meditiation he enjoys. So I did, hoping it would land me in some really deep and inspiring transcendental dreams—space travel, maybe, like we’d talked about—but not such vivid images and sensations of drinking tequila through my dick. I offer for your consideration the clever apparatus that enabled the indulgence: One problem that...
April 2008
2 posts
That Man Died Trying to Come
More content in GQ
March 2008
1 post
We're back.
Dear Friends, Thank you all for your patience. We have been redesigning the site (all back-end), and as a result, the content trickled off there. We’re all very excited about Date Kit in 2008, and we hope that you are as well. Upcoming events: Y.R. Fancy Esq. - Looking for love in Mexico City Mike, has yet another new girlfriend A Lady answers any inquiry submitted by our readers (please...
February 2008
1 post
They all look like moms to me, but I guess the... →
via our-man-with-a-nice-new-haircut, JH
January 2008
17 posts
Pink Upholstered Vagina Couch (via Count Dacula...
For Sale - beautiful pink “vagina couch” that I made in art school and no longer have space for. The couch is large: measures 5’ 3” long, 3’ 3” wide at the middle, and stands 2’ 3” tall (and is heavy like a couch). The pics are from my portfolio and are several years old; as a result, the couch has some scuffmarks and stains around the bottom...
Overheard: Vol. 3
on having sex with someone you really care about: “and you don’t care when she drinks a glass of water after swallowing your cum. in fact, you think it’s endearing.”
Chris Bell - You And Your Sister
Double Lives
“I thought I was dreaming.”
Missed Connections Repost: Ahhhh I didnt have the...
I was sitting next to you, and you realized I was staring at you every few minutes lol.. you had very curly hair, and you looked so pretty!! about 1030-45pm ? I was going to pass you a note with my email, but I was nervous and shy.. I was hoping you were going to get off the train before me, so I can slip the note in your bag, but you didn’t Anyways if you see this puhhleeeezzz...
Overheard: Vol. 2
“…i’m feeling supremely emotional today…maybe i should just jerk off in the bathroom.”
Overheard: Vol. 1
“…like, i’m not going to buy you a big bottle of red wine so you can get drunk in my room and talk about how we can’t date…”
Missed Connections Repost: Cutie with a Strut on...
I saw you walking down Smith St. this morning. You were tall, dark, handsome, and walking like you were going to beat the shit out of somebody. Hot. I think we made eye-contact as I crossed Smith to catch the train. I was the shorty with dark hair and cute face. Do you ride the F? I hope I see you again—we could go for a stroll together. ;)
Tendered
As usual, I headed down to the secure Datekit PO box this morning. I was prepared for the tall task of editing and translating the Special Friday Treat from its native form—poorly spelled, typewritten (SFT uses a 1970s-era Valentine) ejaculations on smeared sheets torn from old composition notebooks—into standards compliant HTML. Sadly I found this. Though we have our doubts about the...
While we were away; notes from abroad
Dating in Berlin basically consists of scary Nazi girls staring at you, then you make out…
i have a new girlfriend! pt. 3
so maybe it’s been a little while since i wrote this column but what can i say, i have been busy! things with my new girlfriend are going less than hot. don’t get me wrong, it’s not about the sex—that is ferocious!—it is mostly that i think we do not actually like each other very much. how can i tell, you ask? well, for example, we have been apart because of the holidays, and i have been a real...
Dial-Tone Phreak
Crushed: Vol. 2
awooga!
December 2007
19 posts
Listen To Me
Some restaurants have a nice, candlelit atmosphere while others provide entertainment and excitement. Depending on the restaurant you choose you can create a romantic date or a fun date. Don’t get drunk. Maybe eventually she’ll want to hear about your mother who verbally abused you as a child, but NOT on the first date. Really, she’ll be more impressed if you focus your attention...
Missed Connections Repost: My little Banana - w4m
I miss you. I miss you tons. My body’s been aching for you. I want to know if I can still hug you like you’re mine. I hope you won’t delete me from your life. My body doesn’t want anyone else… neither does my heart. What should I do? Yours truly, Bananamama aka ‘Mrs. Foster’
Missed Connections Repost: You're Getting Fat -...
If our friends’ pictures of you are any indication, you’re getting fat. Also, get some new glasses. I haven’t drunkenly emailed you in a long time, so I have no way of knowing if you’re well, employed, etc. Usually, your curt-ass 7-days-later reply lets me know how awesome you’re doing without me and how much you’ve moved on. Well, you can munch a dick,...
Proven; women only love your buxx →
Missive Bonding
I’m not in high school, so I may be stepping outside the limits of my expertise to defend the lasting practicality of the “love note” in an era when the quickest way to someone’s heart is through port 22. I’m talking about the kind of correspondence that’s scribbled on a piece of scrap paper or cardboard without self-examination or regard for the follies of subtext and delivered...
We're growing...
Please welcome Death into the Kit Club.
Crushed: Vol. 1
just…wow!
American beauty? (provided solely out of academic... →
“Searching for Mister Right” by the...
Ask a Lady: Snap Judgment
I’m with my girlfriend and want to go back for seconds, but realize I’ve used my last condom. Is it a bad idea to use it again? Lady: I mean, that’s a one way ticket to a UTI for a girl If you’ve already done it, then consider sending her a bulk package of cranberry supplements (link) but, if i were in the sitch, i would probably just give you a blow job
Winter Pyre: Travels by Foot and Your Devious...
Back to it. Remember, this song has been playing for the past 15 minutes. The ride from here into the hills is long and there’s traffic. This gives you plenty of time to sit and think about your sins, but those won’t matter soon; you rest your eyes. When the coach pulls up on the side of the road, your watch reads 4:43 PM (an hour fast). Up here the foliage isn’t so robust; winter has arrived,...
“Talk Like Sex” by Kool G Rap & DJ...
The Date Kit Debates
We begin by pitting our elite Ask a Lady columnist against rump-ranging upstart, Dr. Fag. Presented with a sampling of the thorny questions we deal with daily here at DK, in every case our co-ed three-person panel selected the most advisable course of action for you, our reader. We have preserved both answers in the interests of institutional transparency. First Question: I’ve realized...
i have a new girlfriend! pt. 2
do you know what my new girlfriend just said on instant messeger? “sometimes sleeping feels so arbitary.” what a weird girl, right? so, things are going pretty well, i think, well to the point that i can probably stop calling her by her name and start calling her all kinds of cool and really intimate nicknames (nb: some people call these “pet names”). but you know it can be...
November 2007
27 posts
Autumn Itch: Travels by Coach and Predictions of...
For the length of time it takes you to get through this, you are a woman. You are a young woman and if you can’t shake some sort of unshakable manliness and just experience something different for the next few minutes, stop reading now or you’ll be displeased with the litany of emasculations to follow. So, here we go… You are a young woman. You have dark red hair and you are riding on a...
new column: i have a new girlfriend!
hi, i’m Mike, and i have a new girlfriend! she doesn’t have health insurance but she has been to college, which is great. these are angles i think my new girlfriend looks good from: 1. a kind of sideways-type angle, like when she is sleeping on her side, maybe naked. 2. above. she is way shorter than me so this is basically the default angle. 3. below, like when sex is happening and...
Ask a Lady: Premiere Advice for Our Readers
DK: Lady, how would you feel about answering this question:
"what pair of shoes should I wear to realize my metrosexuality"
Lady: i would probably tell them to not bother
because they are gay
DK: Next Q...
Lady: *cracks knuckles*
DK: At the bar, how does a gentleman know if a lady wants to pursue a fleeting bedroom romance? If she does, what is the most advisable course of action?
Lady: i would like to answer this question with the lyrics to the popular dolly parton song "potential new boyfriend"
"Pretty as a picture
Comin' on so strong
She's twisting my ignition key
Turn my motor on
But anyone can see, all her attention's on me"
Lady: you'll have to use your imagination and change the "he's" to "she's" and so forth
a girl will give you her undivided attention
if she wants you
buy her a few drinks
get tanked
ask her for a "cigarette"
go outside, have a smoke, eat her face
...take her home
easy as pie
DK: On what criteria does a lady decide to give you her undivided attention?
Lady: well, i can tell you what THIS lady is looking for
but it's different with all ladies; different ladies, different poisons
DK: But you realize your position is as spokesperson for ladyhood?
Lady: ok fine
most ladies are looking for someone relatively handsome, and relatively free of std's
with a compatable "personal style" and confidence
you should probably ooze confidence
pretty basic, don't be a pussy
was that good enough for your emosogenist [sic] blog?
Johnny “Guitar” Watson -...
“Thin Line Between Love and Hate” by...
First Literary Boner
I was just browsing the I Love Everything forum and started reading the All Dragonlance thread. Having read the books myself when ages 14-15, I was curious. They were bad, sexually immature fantasy geek fodder, rife with beautiful women capable of giving you a telepathic blow-job (thinking of Angelina Jolie’s computer rendition in Beowulf). I found this post: there was a sex scene in the...